As you all know, breast feeding was extremely hard for me in the beginning. My nipples were sore, cracked, and bleeding and my boobs were so engorged with milk that I barley had a nipple for Jayde to even latch on to. I remember the day of Jayde's 2 day check up, I was so eager to go because I couldn't get her to latch on to my boobs because they were in such bad shape. I was sitting in the bedroom crying all morning before her appointment because I felt as if I was useless. I couldn't even feed my own daughter for god sake! I was able to feed her at the appointment with the help of a lactation consultant, but afterwards things went back to hellish ways they were before. Every time I knew I had to feed Jayde I would immediately start crying because I knew the excruciating pain I was about to be in. Days went by, and nothing was getting better. I was so depressed and spent most of the days crying in bed. This was suppose to be a natural thing, and the thing that was the best for my daughter and me. Why couldn't I do it? There were so many opportunities for me to give up, but I pushed through everything that was thrown my way. I finally found a lactation consultant who didn't just tell me that my nipples looked horrible and that my latch needed to be worked on. I found an incredible lady who helped correct my latch. No joke, a week later, my boobs and nipples were doing so much better. If it wasn't for her, I don't think that I could say that I still breast feed my daughter to this day.
From the day my daughter was born I was determined to breast feed her for an entire year, since that is what is recommended by the American Pediatrics. Even though this was set inside my brain, I couldn't wait until the day I didn't have to breast feed anymore. When Jayde was younger I felt as if I was tied down by having to always be there to feed her, since I despised pumping. I felt like I was missing out on all these things! Even when I could go out, I had no energy to do anything. Breast feeding sometimes seems to literally suck the life out of you! Your baby is, after all, getting all of their nutrients from your body. When I did go out, I also had to keep track of every alcoholic drink I had and had to calculate the hours until I could feed her again. It just seemed like such a hassle. My daughter had the appetite of a grown person and I never knew when she was going to be hungry. There was a point were I was literally counting down the days until my freedom.
As the one year mark came up, I got confused. Before I had been so excited for a year to come so that I could stop, but now I didn't feel the need to. First off, it has become so easy. I could literally just take out my boob and Jayde would be able to position and latch herself if she needed to. It has become second nature to me and apart of my life! Secondly, I don't really want to stop right now. I wish I could sit here and explain in depth about why I wish to continue, but I can't. I think the best way to describe it is that it is the one thing that only I am able to give Jayde. Now that she is 13 months, she is so independent and running around doing things on her own. But during feedings, there is still those times where we just sit down and relax and enjoy each others company. I have a special bond with Jayde because of breast feeding, and no one else ever had and never will be able to spend moments like those with her but me. I don't think I am ready to give that up yet. The third reason I am not currently stopping is because Jayde enjoys it so much. I do understand that she has to grow up and that she does eventually have to stop, but why take it away now when she still wants it?
When Jayde turned a year old, I did get the feeling as if I did have to force her to stop. I tried weaning her, and it was just too hard for the time being. My plan was this: to only have her feed in the morning when she wakes up and at night (which she already does on most days), and then take away the morning feedings, and then eventually take away the night feeding. That plan isn't going too well. I still feed her every morning and night, and on some days she will want a feeding in the middle of the day to help her fall asleep. It got frustrating because I would go a week with only feeding her in the morning/night, and then all the sudden she would want to feed in the middle of the day for a couple days. I would try and not feed her, but then she got SO upset that I eventually gave into it. I couldn't torture her like that when the solution for her to stop crying was so simple. Basically, with weaning, it has been a "one step forward and two steps back" sort of thing. It's hard!
To answer everyone's question, "when do you plan on stopping?" the answer is I DON'T KNOW. In my mind, I would like to have her weaned off by 18 months. Two years old at the latest! I don't have a date set in stone and I am kind of hoping that she eventually decides to give it up on her own without me having to force anything away. The one thing I do promise, is that I will not be on of those ladies at the park with a 6 year old daughter who runs up to me and pulls down my shirt to feed.
After all of that said, I want to give a special "thank you" to my family and friends who have supported me through out this journey. If it wasn't for all your love, support, and encouragement, I probably would have given up breast feeding in the very beginning. And also, an EXTRA special "thank you" to my boyfriend; the one who had to deal with all my mood swings first hand and helped me find the support I needed to be the best mom I could be. Jayde and I are lucky to have all of you wonderful people in our lives. We love you!
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| This made me smile. |
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