It's about damn time..

It has been almost 2 months since I have written a blog, things have been a little bit hectic lately. Also, I have been having somewhat of a writers block. I have so many things to say, but my mind is going 100mph with all of the things going on in my life. I had started a few blogs, but then I never got around to finishing them. Tonight, I am determined to do this once an for all (Or, maybe within the next week or so.) So prepare yourself for lots and lots of reading, because these last 2 months have been INSANE!

Playing with her new toys after very first birthday party.

First off, I want to start off by saying that I cannot believe Jayde is already ONE! I hate using the expression, "time flies," but it really has! I feel as though one thing came after another so quickly. I can still remember the feeling I got when I saw her smile and heard her laugh for the very first time. I still get the feeling of excitement when I think about her learning to rolling over, sit, and crawl. All the feelings I have are so overwhelming and confusing. When I see a newborn baby I can't even begin to imagine that Jayde was one THAT small, and it does give me a sense of sadness. But, at the same time, I am excited for all of the things that have yet to come. Regardless of this bittersweet feeling that I sometimes have, I am so proud of her for all of the things that she has accomplished within the last year and for the beautiful little girl that she has become. Even though Jayde is not longer a "baby" by definition, she will always be MY baby girl.

A picture to remember my very first hours with Jayde.

Of course with age, comes more mischief. The other morning I went into the bedroom to grab a sweatshirt. When I walked back out into the living room, I heard Jayde run out of the bathroom when she heard me coming as if she was getting into trouble. When I looked into the bathroom I didn't see any toilet paper unravled on the ground or anything, so I thought maybe I was just being delusional. I went back to bed since to get some more sleep since Keith had decided that he would get up with Jayde. About an hour later, I heard Keith laughing in the bathroom. When I asked him what he had been laughing at, he told me that the remote was in the toilet. We were both standing there cracking up for three reasons. One, because Keith had been looking for the remote all morning and had been getting mad at himself because he knew that he was the last one using it. Two, because Jayde did do something earlier in the morning and had gotten away with it. Three, because before Keith realized that it was the remote in the toilet, he thought it was me not flushing my poop.

I am no longer a stay at home mommy, and am now officially a "working mom." I was able to get a part time job at one of my favorite places in the whole entire world, the Day One Center. For those of you who do not know what this place is or don't remember me mentioning it in my previous blogs, it is a center that helps new and expecting parents through pregnancy and the babies first year. I told myself that when Jayde turned one I was going to go back to work, but I had no idea that I was literally going to be starting the week after her birthday. I only work part time, which for me is 3 days a week. It works out perfectly because I am able to still spend a lot of time with Jayde while being able to get a break a few times a week. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter! But, being with anyone 24/7 can get exhausting and irritating at times. Since I did go to the center so often, it was a little weird working there at first. I walked in there on the first day and was going to work instead of going in there to get support. It was also kind of weird to think that all of my co-workers know all of the issues that I had with Jayde since they were the ones who helped me through it. The "weirdness" of working there faded away shortly, and I am happy to say that I like my job for the most part.

Me having a job means that Jayde has to go to daycare. Choosing a daycare for her has been one of the toughest decisions ever. Keith and I looked through dozens of places to try and find the perfect fit for her. At first, we were looking at mainstream places like Kinder Care. I didn't feel comfortable bringing Jayde to an at home daycare or leaving her with a nanny, so I refused to look at those places at first. Let me tell you, daycare is ridiculously expensive! Most places we looked at where about $187 a week for only two days! Keith and I thought Kinder Care was Jayde's best option at that point because we loved how they let them play but then they also have curriculum to follow so that they learn. We were pretty much set on them, filled out all of the paper work, but then something didn't feel right. It was at that point that I decided to look at a few of the at home daycares for the hell of it. I had a lot of people tell me that it was important for a child that is as young as Jayde to not be too overwhelmed. She is, after all, still a baby and does need a lot of attention. I had some people who where recommended to me by a few parents, so I set up appointments to check them out. Daycares at people's houses are always so weird to me. I don't like them for a couple reasons. The main reason is because most women who have an at home daycare usually have their own kid(s) who also attend the daycare. Obviously, there is going to be a huge favoritism issue. Who wouldn't pick their kids over other children? Another reason is because I think the whole daycare in your house situation is weird. People live there, but then they have all this shit all over their house for their daycare children. People paint characters on their houses and put posters of the ABCs on their living room walls, it's honestly kind of creepy. Even though I am extremely picky and anal, I found a lady that I really like! Why do I like her? Well, she doesn't have any kids (well, she has kids, but they are all older) and she turned her garage into a daycare so it is separate from her living space. I also like the fact that she provides a variety of nutritious food (including some authentic Persian food, which is a plus) AND that her daycare is a lot cheaper than any mainstream one. She is a sweet, older Persian lady and she loves all of her daycare kids as if they where her own children. What I also like, is she e-mails me fun pictures of Jayde while shes at daycare :)

Jayde playing at daycare

Dropping your child off at daycare for the first time is probably one of the most traumatic things ever. I knew it was going to be hard, but I was no where near prepared for how hard it actually was. Basically, Jayde was screaming and crying while reaching out for me and I had no choice but to just walk out. I had to go to work, so I had to leave her there. I was able to control my breathing and hold back my tears, until I got to my car. Once I sat down and closed the door, I immediately started balling. I was freaking out! I ended up driving to work and calling her before I went in. She told me that Jayde had calmed down but she refused to be set down, which is pretty much what I had expected. At work I couldn't stop thinking the worse. I had this image in my head of Jayde screaming for me and being neglected. As soon as my lunch rolled around, I called to check on her immediately. When she told me what Jayde was doing, I was completely speechless. "She's sleeping." Wait, what? Sleeping? As in... she's taking a nap? Ok, what the fuck? My daughter refuses to take a nap at home with me, but she takes a nap on her first day at daycare? Even though I was dumbfounded, I was actually relived to hear that Jayde was comfortable enough to be able to nap there. I went back to work, and was able to get through the rest of the day without having to call and check up on her. At 5:00pm, I knew my mom had picked Jayde up so I called her to see how she was. My mom told me that she was actually crying when she came to pick her up, she didn't want to leave! I was so happy to know that I picked the right daycare. The next day, I went to drop her off and she was excited to be there. She ran off and started playing, and I walked out without hearing the slightest cry. I went to work, and called to check on Jayde once around the same time as I did the previous day. She was sleeping again, what a surprise. That night when I got home and saw Jayde I started crying. When I saw her I realized that I had been away from her the last two days, which has never happened before. I felt as if I had missed so much, even though I probably didn't. I also started having these weird thoughts. She was having such a good time at her new daycare, what if she liked this lady more than she liked me?

Playing outside at daycare

I dropped Jayde off at daycare again the next week. Since she only goes on Wednesdays and Thursdays, there is a big 5 day gap of her not going. While driving there I was kind of anxious to see if  she was going to remember the daycare providor or not. Well, she didn't recognize her. I had to go through the whole screaming/crying fit again.  It was still devastating, but it was easier to walk out this time knowing that I knew she was in good hands. Even though she was sad to see me leave, I didn't feel obligated to call at all while I was at work to check up on her. I mean, if she wasn't happy there was nothing I could really do about it anyways, right? And, if something was seriously wrong, then her daycare provider would for sure call me. The next day, on Thursday, I dropped her off without having a problem since she remembered being there the previous day. I just really hope that she eventually becomes familiar with her surroundings and I don't have to deal with her throwing a fits at the beginning of every week.

Jayde has grown up SO much within the last month, both physically and mentally. Here are some of the new/exciting/cute things she has been doing:

-My most favorite thing: Jayde has learned to give kisses. They are opened mouthed and all slobbery, but I love them. She even makes a "mmmm" sounds when she leans in, which adds an extra point for cuteness.

Kisses for mommy!

-I am so excited to announce that my baby girl is officially a walker! She does still need a lot of practice, but she is now walking about 90% of the time while only crawling a little bit. It did take her a while to figure out how to stand up by herself, but she has now gotten pretty good at it. I am not saying she is a walking pro. She does still fall a lot and needs to work on balance, but she is a long way from her "first steps." She started taking her first steps about 2 weeks before her birthday, and started walking more consistently around her actual birthday. It has been really exciting to see how proud she is of her accomplishment, and I don't think she has any idea how proud I am of her. It's still weird to me to see this little person running around the house, and I think it will take a while to get used to! Here's a video of Jayde when she first started walking:

- I feel like Jayde's vocabulary has greatly matured. When she "babbles," it seems to be more meaningful as if she is actually trying to have a conversation. Her main words so far are: "mama", "dada", "ya!", "nana" (banana), "oh man!" (when she falls), "ball", "papa" (for Grandpa), "boo bee" (boobie, when she's hungry. HA!) "pet" (when she is petting an animal), and her most favorite word, "hi!" When I say that "hi" is her most favorite word, I mean her MOST FAVORITE. She says "hi" to every single person or animal that walks by, including her own reflection. I will be walking through the grocery store and I will hear Jayde sitting in the cart looking around, "hi, hi, HI!!!!!!!"

-Jayde has started to be helping in putting things back where they came from. I'm not saying she is this neat child who cleans up after herself all the time, but she is trying to put in some effort. The other week I was folding Jayde's clean laundry to put it away, and after everything was put away I realize that there were all these single socks with no matching pair. Frustrated, I decided to put the single socks in her sock drawer. I figured that I would most likely eventually find the other one. When I opened her sock drawer, I saw all of these socks thrown inside. Yes, they where the socks that where missing. I then realized that Jayde had put the socks in her sock drawer because she was trying to help me put her clothes away. It was so cute, I just about cried. Even though she will make a mess and pull out all of her pants out of her dresser or all of the DVDs off the shelf, she usually tries to put them back. Of course they aren't neatly folded and stacked as they where before, but it's the thought that counts. Right?

-Jayde also "helps" clean. She will take a paper towel and start wiping down tables and what not, my mom and I think it's funny to watch. Apparently she does this at her daycare too, because the other day her provider mentioned it when Keith picked her up. "She is so smart and so cute. Today the kids were cleaning up, and she picked up a towel and started wiping everything down."

A picture Jayde's daycare provider e-mailed me of her "cleaning."

This New Years was an interesting one. I went through somewhat of an identity crisis. I spent most of the day before New Years eve balling my eyes out. I do admit that I may have been somewhat of a baby, but at the same time my feelings where hurt. The last couple of months have been a little bit hard for me dealing with my friendships with people. First of all, I feel as if I'm always the one putting in all the effort in the relationships that I have with my friends. I'm always the one text messaging and asking how they're doing and asking if they want to get a bite to eat so that we can catch up. Barley ever does anyone, except for a select few, text me and whats going on in my life. Second of all, when I do have plans, things always fall through. I have seriously been flaked on weekly this last past month and it has been hard on me. I understand that going out isn't a big deal to people because they always have chances to go out and they don't have the time restrictions like I do. But to me, when I make plans I am excited. I rarely ever get out of the house! To be that excited and then to be flaked on at the last minute is devastating! After all of this has been going on, New Years came along. After reading and hearing about everyone's big plans, I realized that I didn't have any. The fact that I didn't have plans didn't bother me too much. What did bother me is that nobody had even asked me what I was doing for the New Year or even thought about including me in their plans.

I know that you are reading this and thinking to yourself, "what's the big deal?" I understand that one day I will probably look back and laugh at myself for making a big deal out of all of this. But, from going to the girl who got invited to every party to the girl who didn't get invited to anything is a big change for me. I did expect for my social life to decrease when becoming a mom, but never in my life did I expect some of my friends to turn their backs on me. For the longest time I sat here and told myself that I didn't care, but I really do. After my mini break down and being able to think things over, I realize that people probably aren't pushing me away intentionally. I do realize that maybe my crumbling friendships could be partly my fault. I know that when Jayde was first born, I did pull away from the world for a few months. There were many texts that I didn't respond to and many calls I didn't answer because I was so busy and overwhelmed with the new addition in my life. For the longest time I would feel guilty or get anxiety at the thought of even leaving the house for just 20 minutes. But now that Jayde is older and doesn't depend on me nearly as much as she did months ago, I am able to be more social. I do understand that 99% of my friends don't know what it's like to go through the journey of having a baby, and maybe they are upset at the times I didn't text them back when I was consumed in taking care of my daughter. I also understand that maybe my friends aren't eager to invite me to places because they assume that all my time is still dedicated to my daughter and my boyfriend. Yes, I am in a committed relationship and I have a kid. Yes, I do have a lot more responsibilities and I did have to mature a lot within the last year. But, I am still the same Michelle as I was before. Just because I have obligations, doesn't mean that I'm still not young. Although being a mom is my number one priority, I am still entitled to have fun. I have now realized that having fun does not make me a bad mother or a bad girlfriend, and I hope others are able to realize that too.. I don't want to live my life under a rock. I want to be able to enjoy my life as a mother and a young adult.