40 weeks + 4 months in a nutsell.

       SO, on January 18th of this year I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Yes, this does mean that she is now almost 4 months and I am a little late with this whole blogging thing. I saw that one of my fellow moms started a blog and I thought to myself "how perfect", because there are many times I feel that I just need to share my thoughts with someone. Yes, I do have my boyfriend, my friends, my family and even my daughter to talk to. But sometimes people don't always understand certain situations and I'm hoping to look back at this one day and remember all the good times I had and laugh at the bad ones as well.

Where to start? Let's start at the very beginning.

My very first ultrasound-- I was about 10 weeks pregnant at the time

       I found out I was pregnant on May 27th of 2010, and boy was it a surprise. Never in my life would I have thought to be a mother at 20 years old. I remember the day I found out so vividly. I had 3 people ask me if I was pregnant because I kept complaining about not feeling well. I eventually got irritated by the question and went to the store to buy a pregnancy test to prove to all of them that I wasn't pregnant. When I saw the pregnancy test was positive, I walked out of the room and then walked back in to make sure it was all real. I sat there for about an hour thinking to myself  "what do I do?" Eventually I picked up the phone and talked to Keith (who is the father) an said, " I don't know how to say this because I have never had to say it, but I'm pregnant." After we got off the phone he came to pick me up and we went to Target and bought more pregnancy tests. Of course, they all came out positive as well. We didn't talk about it too much that night. It was almost as if it was too much to take in at the time.

       There were a million reasons why I shouldn't have kept the baby. Being young, not married, etc. But even though everyone kept giving me reasons why I shouldn't keep it, I knew in my heart I could never get rid of it. After deciding to keep it the hardest part was to tell my family, especially my father. Yes, everybody was a upset at first. Especially since half of my family didn't even know I was dating anyone. But, as time went on and my due date got closer and closer people realized my "mistake" was actually a blessing.

Ultrasound at about 20 weeks

       My whole pregnancy I knew I was going to have a little girl. Going to the doctors and them telling me only confirmed it. The only thing I didn't know was what I would name that little girl. We had a boy's name picked out since the beginning. Getting the girls name took forever. I remember everyday Keith and I would text random names back and fourth to each other getting nowhere. Every name I picked reminded him of someone he knew and vice-versa. I told everyone that if I would have had a boy his name would have been Jayden and everyone's response was always, "well why can't you name your girl that?" No one ever understood that I could not just switch my boys name over to my girls name, it was just too weird. Their next response was, "what about Jada or Jade?" NO NO NO NO. I didn't want any name that was in relation to Jayden!! Then one night while I was having the "my boys name would have been Jayden" conversation with a friend via text message, they responded with the same answer as everyone else. "Why don't you just name her Jayde?" Something clicked then. Seeing it spelled out with a Y made me fall in love with the name. I texted Keith immediately and from then on that little baby inside my stomach was no longer "her", but was "Jayde." Even though we had the name all figured out, we agreed from the beginning that we were going to keep the name a secret until she was born. And yes, NO ONE knew her name until she made her debut in the world.

Ultrasound at about 27 weeks

Honestly, I loved being pregnant. My absolute favorite part was feeling and watching my stomach move. While she was inside of me I would always play little "games" with her. My favorite one being in the shower where I would spray my belly with water and she would kick back. My favorite days of being pregnant where the ones where I got to go to the doctors and see my baby on the ultra sound. It was so crazy seeing her on that screen and hearing her heartbeat. It made being pregnant even more real. Every time after seeing the doctor I would go on a mini shopping spree and buy her a few new outfits for when she arrived.

       I was lucky. I had an easy pregnancy for the most part. Yes, I did get sick twice. And yes, I did get into a car accident and had to stay in the hospital overnight for fetal monitoring. But other than that, everything always went as planned. The only part of my pregnancy that was not so fun was the last 3 weeks. I was so tired and bloated. My hips hurt, my feet were swollen and I just wanted that baby out! I was literally counting down the days until January 22nd, which was my due date. And little did I know, my daughter was coming sooner than I though.

Me at about 38 weeks pregnant

I woke up on January 17th feeling crampy. I took a shower, ate breakfast, drank some water, and then went back to bed to take a nap thinking those cramps would go away. I woke up and they were still there. I told Keith about the cramps, but told him that I thought that I probably just wasn't drinking enough water and that I wasn't going into labor. We went out to lunch before he had to go to work and by the time we were done eating the pain got even worse. I remember walking back to the car after eating and having to stop to take a few breaths while holding my stomach in pain. I still reassured Keith that I wasn't going into labor and that he should still go to work and just drop me off at my mothers house just in case. After he dropped me of at my mothers I went to lay on the couch to find that I was rolling around in extreme pain and out of breath. I decided to call labor and delivery, told them what was going on, and they told me I should probably come in. I called Keith and apologized because after all he would be having to take me to the hospital.

       I arrived at the hospital at about 5pm. When I arrived I was 3 cm dilated and 100% thinned out. They then admitted me and told me that I would be having the baby. The rest was some what of a blur. I was in so much pain, got an epidural, and then was in no pain at all. At about 12:15am on January 18th they told me I was ready to push. "Most first time moms take about 3 hours on average to push the baby out" the midwife told me. I looked at her and said " 3 hours? No no no, It will take me an hour tops." And I was right.

       My daughter was born 7lbs 13oz, 21 inches long on January 18, 2011 at 12:53 am. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. When they put her on my stomach, I stared at her for hours without saying a word. She literally took my breath away and left me speechless. There are no words in the world that can explain the incredible feeling of seeing your baby for the first time. I held her all night long just staring down at her. Everything about her was perfect. I couldn't believe she was all mine.

Jayde being put on my stomach after being born for skin to skin contact

Close up of Jayde on my stomach after being born

Me admiring Jayde while in the hospital

       I was so excited when they told me I was able to leave the hospital. I felt great and I was ready to be in my own environment and take my baby home! I got Jayde ready, and they rolled me down to the exit with my little girl on my lap in her car seat. While I waited outside for Keith to get the car I started crying. It all became so real that my baby girl was here now that I was about to take her home. Not only that, but I knew that me leaving the hospital meant that it was official that my life was about to forever change. I was a mommy and I now had a baby. I couldn't have been happier.

Jayde ready to leave the hospital

       While pregnant they told you about the "baby blues", but I never thought I was going to be one of the people who would be effected by it. It all started when I went home and took a shower. I remember I started spraying my belly with the water and not feeling anything kick back. I looked down and my round belly was now flat. I started balling. Weirdly I felt somewhat empty. From there on out, there would be random times where I would start crying for no reason what so ever. No, I wasn't sad or mad or depressed. No, there was never a time where I regretted having Jayde or didn't love her. But the crying was uncontrollable. Thankfully after about a week, the crying magically went away.

       The scariest thing about being a new mommy is not knowing what your doing. Naturally, I was always paranoid that something was wrong with Jayde. Is she suppose to be pooping this much? Is she suppose to be sleeping this much? Is she getting enough to eat?... I could go on forever. I probably called the advice nurse everyday for the longest time asking ridiculous questions. I've made plenty of doctors appointments just for them to tell me that my baby was healthy and doing exactly as she should. The "always" paranoid does get better. It becomes "sometimes" paranoid. I think that naturally as a mom that it's your job to worry.

       Breastfeeding. Where to start? I was pissed when I found out how hard breastfeeding was. Why did everyone tell me how wonderful it was but nobody bothered to tell me how hard it was in the beginning? My nipples where sore, cracked, bleeding and painful the two weeks after my daughter was born. Every time Jayde was hungry I would cry just thinking about feeding her. I went to numerous lactation consultants for them to tell me that my nipples where getting this way because my latch on was wrong, but NO ONE told me how to correct it. I was determined to breastfeed my baby, so I was desperate to find a solution. Keith found me a breastfeeding support group at the Day One Center in Walnut Creek. I went there and shared my struggles with breastfeeding while sobbing and was reassured by all the other moms that things DO get better. If it wasn't for going to that group, I honestly don't think I would have gotten through it. After that, things only got better. I found a lactation consultant that helped correct by latch and still to this day checks up on me to make sure everything is going well. Yes, breast feeding does still sometimes suck, like when Jayde is going through a growth spurt and is literally on my boob 24/7. But I am so happy and so proud of myself for sticking through it. I know that breastfeeding is the best thing for your baby and I want the best for my daughter. Breastfeeding is now so simple and just a part of my everyday life.

       Motherhood is going wonderfully and I wouldn't change it for anything. Some days are bad but most days are good. Luckily, I have such a good baby. She is always so happy and smiley. I'm not saying she never cries because she does.  I am also not saying that I have never stayed up all night with a crying baby, because their have been many. I have lost a lot of sleep and have been one of the many who have learned how to function being sleep deprived. But in the end, all the sleepless nights and being pooped on has been worth it. Because even though Jayde takes a lot away from me, she also gives me back a lot. She smiles her big grin whenever I talk to her, and she gets excited when she sees me walk into the room. And at the end of the day after being passed around and being held by many, I know she wouldn't trade anything in the world to not be back in the arms of her mommy. Motherhood is HARD work, but it has to be one of the most rewarding things in life. Having my daughter in my life makes me feel complete.

       I know that this post was long, and maybe even boring for a few. But while writing it I laughed and cried and hope that people enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it. There will be many posts to come talking about my ups and downs of motherhood, so stay posted! I cannot wait to see what life as Mommy will bring.